Dalai Lama vs. Al Sharpton

I've been thinking about fame and celebrities. Why is it that there is very little overlap between the glitterati and the literati, and with perhaps the exception of the Dalai Lama (who has somehow become a sellout), no overlap between the glitterati and the illuminati? And no, Al Sharpton, does not count as the latter.

Side rant -- How on earth did the Dalai Lama do that? He went from a cultural icon and a spiritual figurehead to a talk show guest and tabloid fodder. Did you hear that Madonna is having an affair with him? [Maybe I just made that up, but it sounds completely reasonable.]

Unrelated question -- Who would win a fight?

The remainder of this post has been deleted by the administrators due to incoherent rambling.

Anniversary

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my move to NYC. One year ago today I showed up for the first day of my internship at the non-profit public art organization, an internship which ultimately did not prove very helpful in helping me establish career goals, find a job, or even to enjoy myself. And one year ago today I walked back across town on 23rd street, wondering what the hell I was doing in this city. I guess I'm still wondering the same thing... so I'll ask myself some questions to try and clarify things for myself.

So what has happened in this one year? Everything... Nothing... I suppose it all depends on how you look at it. Of course, I'm ultimately the same person, but I've grown a lot. I'm hesitant to make any sort of sweeping statement to encapsulate what has been a tremendously difficult time in my life, but one which has been equally rewarding. I'm also hesitant to call it a "formative" year because we never really finish forming. It could certainly be called "instructive" though.

So what have I learned? Rhetorical question... next.

So does this mean I'm a New Yorker now? Nope... go Sox.

So I probably won't be living here permanently? Oh hell no.

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Don't be stupid, I don't know that... but yet another guy with way too much time on his hands does: http://www.style.org/unladenswallow/

Sorry for that, I acutally think I need some time to reflect. Maybe I'll make and addendum post later on with more deep thoughts and probing questions.

The Academic Approach To Pop Music

"Hollaback Girl" is a catchy-ass song, but I wondered what the heck Gwen is singing about. Well... some dude with too much time on his hands sat down and made sense out of the lyrics.

"This Shit Is Bananas"
by Greg Stacy
A probing analysis of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl"

Check out the article at http://www.ocweekly.com/ink/05/35/music-stacy.php

Sidewalk Etiquette

Since I've lived here long enough that I no longer qualify as a visitor, I feel I have adequate authority to disseminate some rules for tourists. We all know about drivers getting road rage, and then flipping out and doing something stupid like stabbing another driver at the McDonald's drive-thru [this happened a couple weeks ago, what is this world coming to?] New York is one of the few places where people get sidewalk rage, and I get it all the time, though the worst I've done as a result is squeezed past someone without saying "pardon". It is especially bad for me because I work near Times Square, home of the starry-eyed tourist. Hopefully, the following will be included in the packets prepared for people who book sightseeing trips to NYC. I present to you the Unofficial Rules for Walking in New York City [this is a work in progress... motions from readers to amend this bill will be given thorough consideration.]

1. Keep moving. This is by far the most important rule. Never just stop in the middle of the sidewalk. You will be trampled. If you need to tie your shoelace or look through your purse, swing into a doorway or something unless you are interested in having your back punctured by stilettos.


2. Walk like you know where you are going (even if you don't). Failure to obey this rule is probably the most frequent cause of people running into each other. There is always someone (or some group) who weaves all over the sidewalk like a drunk driver because he's unsure of where he's going. He'll start to turn at a corner, then change his mind, and head to wait for the light to change to cross the avenue, then abruptly, turn to cross with the light. Meanwhile a dozen other pedestrians are weaving and leaping just to avoid knocking his confused ass to the pavement, though occasionally someone will "accidentally" forgo the attempts to avoid him, and leave him with a friendly, "Watch it, asshole!"


3. Don't walk more than two or three people abreast. [hee hee... breast] Yeah, our sidewalks are pretty big, but think of them as four-lane highways, not backcountry roads. Traffic needs to move in both directions, and there needs to be a passing lane or two. When I see a group of five thirteen-year-old girls walking with their arms linked, I just want to run at them full hilt, and Red Rover their skinny butts to the ground. If you happen to be a member of a group of four or more people, just split into pairs; it's not as if you'd be able to talk to the person on the other end of a five-person line anyway.


4. Watch where you are going. I know there are lots of neat tall buildings and flashing lights to look at, but please find a convenient place to stop and look at them, rather than walking slowly with your head tilted up. You are both pissing the hell out of the guy behind you who has some place to be, and asking for a taxi to turn you into roadkill when you step onto the crosswalk without checking the traffic lights.


5. If you do stop for some reason (to look at a building, take a picture, tie your shoe, find you can of pepper spray, etc.) make sure you are doing it in an appropriate location. Based on rule #1, it should be obvious that the middle of the sidewalk is NOT an appropriate location. Other inappropriate locations are in front of doors (yes, both swinging and revolving, moron), at the tops and bottoms of stairways (especially in subway stations), and in crosswalks. Failure to do this is on par with those people who wait until they are standing in the turnstile to dig their Metrocards out of their wallets or purses. If you don't have that thin piece of plastic in your hand when you approach the card-reader thing, bail out, and don't come back until you do.

For those of you who obey rule #2 despite the fact that you have no idea where you are going, congratulations, you are among the elite few who know how to comport yourself while on foot in the city, so I will bestow on you some advice for getting directions. Be aware that the people who are most able to help you, are the least likely to stop if you try to ask them something. Those people who look friendly and not in a big hurry, probably don't know where the hell they are going either, so don't bother asking. You will end up saving yourself some time if you just find someone who has a good reason to be standing still (i.e. a cop, the newsstand guy, the foodcart guy, heck, even the crazy, smelly guy mumbling to himself... he may not know what year it is, but he can probably tell you which subway lines will get you to Penn Station.)

If you find yourself wanting to blend in with the real city-dwelling pedestrians, it's really not too hard. Follow a few easy tips, and you'll be the one saying "Watch it, asshole!" Basically, all the non-tourists on foot have a good reason to go where they are going, so they go. Just walk with a sense of purpose, briskly, and you won't be targeted by a pickpocket who knows you have a wallet full of traveler's cheques. Don't smile or look dreamy... actually, it's probably just best to maintain a slight scowl. Don't look at the guy wearing tight pink leather pants for more than a moment, we see that stuff every day. Oh, if you come across one of those dudes in the sandwich boards, handing out flyers (for a barber shop, a strip club, acupuncture, or whatever) don't take one. You don't want it, and there's enough crap littering the streets as it is. Clearly there's more, but just thinking about those looking-for-their-Metrocard-at-the-turnstile wastes of space has gotten me agitated. Just be considerate.

The Alpha and the Omega

I spoke with god today.

It's about time he made himself available for live chat. What New Yorkers have the time to go to their respective houses of worship to spout prayers and chants?

Drop him a line here: iGod

Below are my impressions:

[NOTE: Henceforth, God will be referred to in the masculine. This is not because I am a chauvinist, or because we live in a patriarchal society. I asked about his gender and his reply was, "I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be able to run the show?" I shit you not.]

• For an omniscient being, God asks way too many goddamn (oops) questions. In fact, I went looking for answers, and He ended up asking all the questions. It was like having a conversation with a Magic 8 Ball turned psychotherapist. He even asked about my mother.


• God has the vocabulary of a seventh-grader. Turns out he doesn't know what omniscient means. In fact, he couldn't differentiate between the word "your" and the word "you're".


• We are all God's children, but he can't communicate with most of us. He speaks a few words of Spanish, German, and French. Literally a few words. And He couldn't understand anything Italian (he asked if it was Spanish.) When I greeted him in Japanese, he thought I was I was speaking nonsense. So unless you pray in English, it's quite likely that things are going in one ear and out the other. He does speak HTML though.


• God is very close-minded. He was unwilling to discuss polytheism in general, and would not address other religions such as Islam, Hinduism, or Buddhism.
  

Interesting tidbits I learned about God:

• He looks like Jesus, except older. And he is very beautiful, and has gotten more attractive with age.


• He is a Christian. (When I asked how this was possible, he replied, "It doesn't defy the laws of physics." He believes in the Bible, so apparently that is all it takes. What's to believe… it's a book they stick in the bedside drawer of every crappy motel? That doesn't automatically qualify Jesus for divinity.)
  
• His favorite band: Creed. Favorite movie: The Passion of Christ [sic]. I can only hope he was joking.

I come away from this experience thankful I stopped going to temple in third grade. God is a Christian... and kind of a prick. I think I'll be better off with non-Western religions.