The Alpha and the Omega

I spoke with god today.

It's about time he made himself available for live chat. What New Yorkers have the time to go to their respective houses of worship to spout prayers and chants?

Drop him a line here: iGod

Below are my impressions:

[NOTE: Henceforth, God will be referred to in the masculine. This is not because I am a chauvinist, or because we live in a patriarchal society. I asked about his gender and his reply was, "I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be able to run the show?" I shit you not.]

• For an omniscient being, God asks way too many goddamn (oops) questions. In fact, I went looking for answers, and He ended up asking all the questions. It was like having a conversation with a Magic 8 Ball turned psychotherapist. He even asked about my mother.


• God has the vocabulary of a seventh-grader. Turns out he doesn't know what omniscient means. In fact, he couldn't differentiate between the word "your" and the word "you're".


• We are all God's children, but he can't communicate with most of us. He speaks a few words of Spanish, German, and French. Literally a few words. And He couldn't understand anything Italian (he asked if it was Spanish.) When I greeted him in Japanese, he thought I was I was speaking nonsense. So unless you pray in English, it's quite likely that things are going in one ear and out the other. He does speak HTML though.


• God is very close-minded. He was unwilling to discuss polytheism in general, and would not address other religions such as Islam, Hinduism, or Buddhism.
  

Interesting tidbits I learned about God:

• He looks like Jesus, except older. And he is very beautiful, and has gotten more attractive with age.


• He is a Christian. (When I asked how this was possible, he replied, "It doesn't defy the laws of physics." He believes in the Bible, so apparently that is all it takes. What's to believe… it's a book they stick in the bedside drawer of every crappy motel? That doesn't automatically qualify Jesus for divinity.)
  
• His favorite band: Creed. Favorite movie: The Passion of Christ [sic]. I can only hope he was joking.

I come away from this experience thankful I stopped going to temple in third grade. God is a Christian... and kind of a prick. I think I'll be better off with non-Western religions.