Sidewalk Etiquette

Since I've lived here long enough that I no longer qualify as a visitor, I feel I have adequate authority to disseminate some rules for tourists. We all know about drivers getting road rage, and then flipping out and doing something stupid like stabbing another driver at the McDonald's drive-thru [this happened a couple weeks ago, what is this world coming to?] New York is one of the few places where people get sidewalk rage, and I get it all the time, though the worst I've done as a result is squeezed past someone without saying "pardon". It is especially bad for me because I work near Times Square, home of the starry-eyed tourist. Hopefully, the following will be included in the packets prepared for people who book sightseeing trips to NYC. I present to you the Unofficial Rules for Walking in New York City [this is a work in progress... motions from readers to amend this bill will be given thorough consideration.]

1. Keep moving. This is by far the most important rule. Never just stop in the middle of the sidewalk. You will be trampled. If you need to tie your shoelace or look through your purse, swing into a doorway or something unless you are interested in having your back punctured by stilettos.


2. Walk like you know where you are going (even if you don't). Failure to obey this rule is probably the most frequent cause of people running into each other. There is always someone (or some group) who weaves all over the sidewalk like a drunk driver because he's unsure of where he's going. He'll start to turn at a corner, then change his mind, and head to wait for the light to change to cross the avenue, then abruptly, turn to cross with the light. Meanwhile a dozen other pedestrians are weaving and leaping just to avoid knocking his confused ass to the pavement, though occasionally someone will "accidentally" forgo the attempts to avoid him, and leave him with a friendly, "Watch it, asshole!"


3. Don't walk more than two or three people abreast. [hee hee... breast] Yeah, our sidewalks are pretty big, but think of them as four-lane highways, not backcountry roads. Traffic needs to move in both directions, and there needs to be a passing lane or two. When I see a group of five thirteen-year-old girls walking with their arms linked, I just want to run at them full hilt, and Red Rover their skinny butts to the ground. If you happen to be a member of a group of four or more people, just split into pairs; it's not as if you'd be able to talk to the person on the other end of a five-person line anyway.


4. Watch where you are going. I know there are lots of neat tall buildings and flashing lights to look at, but please find a convenient place to stop and look at them, rather than walking slowly with your head tilted up. You are both pissing the hell out of the guy behind you who has some place to be, and asking for a taxi to turn you into roadkill when you step onto the crosswalk without checking the traffic lights.


5. If you do stop for some reason (to look at a building, take a picture, tie your shoe, find you can of pepper spray, etc.) make sure you are doing it in an appropriate location. Based on rule #1, it should be obvious that the middle of the sidewalk is NOT an appropriate location. Other inappropriate locations are in front of doors (yes, both swinging and revolving, moron), at the tops and bottoms of stairways (especially in subway stations), and in crosswalks. Failure to do this is on par with those people who wait until they are standing in the turnstile to dig their Metrocards out of their wallets or purses. If you don't have that thin piece of plastic in your hand when you approach the card-reader thing, bail out, and don't come back until you do.

For those of you who obey rule #2 despite the fact that you have no idea where you are going, congratulations, you are among the elite few who know how to comport yourself while on foot in the city, so I will bestow on you some advice for getting directions. Be aware that the people who are most able to help you, are the least likely to stop if you try to ask them something. Those people who look friendly and not in a big hurry, probably don't know where the hell they are going either, so don't bother asking. You will end up saving yourself some time if you just find someone who has a good reason to be standing still (i.e. a cop, the newsstand guy, the foodcart guy, heck, even the crazy, smelly guy mumbling to himself... he may not know what year it is, but he can probably tell you which subway lines will get you to Penn Station.)

If you find yourself wanting to blend in with the real city-dwelling pedestrians, it's really not too hard. Follow a few easy tips, and you'll be the one saying "Watch it, asshole!" Basically, all the non-tourists on foot have a good reason to go where they are going, so they go. Just walk with a sense of purpose, briskly, and you won't be targeted by a pickpocket who knows you have a wallet full of traveler's cheques. Don't smile or look dreamy... actually, it's probably just best to maintain a slight scowl. Don't look at the guy wearing tight pink leather pants for more than a moment, we see that stuff every day. Oh, if you come across one of those dudes in the sandwich boards, handing out flyers (for a barber shop, a strip club, acupuncture, or whatever) don't take one. You don't want it, and there's enough crap littering the streets as it is. Clearly there's more, but just thinking about those looking-for-their-Metrocard-at-the-turnstile wastes of space has gotten me agitated. Just be considerate.