Lack of Context = Hilarious

Because you probably need this kind of thing as much as I do... Funny writing taken out of context is even funnier, so I present to you this week's installment of Text Lacking Context.

Chipmunks do not wear sweater dresses emblazoned with the initial of their given name, they do not wear matching caps, and they certainly do not mingle with human children that are inexplicably the same size they are. What do chipmunks do? They steal seeds and nuts and hide them for their own selfish consumption. Seeds are baby trees, so basically a chipmunk is an H2-driving murderer who hates God. A great swath of heavenly fire is the preferred extermination technique. - José Lourenço [McSweeney's]

Incredibly offensive if you are a woman, hence pretty damn funny to me:

If you're female and you don't posess prodigal, Einsteinian caliber intelligence that would propel the cause of humanity forward, and, if you don't relish the idea of being alone, then . . . throw every last dollar you have at your physical appearance. - anonymous poster [obviously]

So obscure... the whole story is hilarious, but I'll leave it up to your imagination and/or googling skills:

Apparently, he used to have three nipple hairs on his right nipple. I don’t know why his fiancé keeps a running count of his bodily hair, but she noticed that he was one shy that night. And, she confronted him about it. “What happened to the third nipple hair?” Dumfounded by the question, he said. “Oh, it fell out.” That answer apparently didn’t ring true, and she just flipped out and accused him of cheating on her. Finally, he said, “You want the truth, my supervisor pulled it out at work today!” And, that probably didn’t sound right, either, [though that was how it actually happenned.] - anonymous poster